Why I didn't attend Jay's funeral

Jay was gone… The man that I had lost and just found again was dead because of me. I was the one who should have been shot dead by the mistress’s husband, not Jay. I was frantic and shaken by what had happened in the hotel and wasn’t thinking straight. It was over before I even had a chance to stop myself from hitting Myrtle with the car. I started a chain of events that would lead to Jay’s death and I had the blood of three people on my hands. I felt completely broken. After I heard about Jay’s death, I ran into the bathroom, sunk down to the bathroom floor, and began sobbing. I was flooded by the memories of us together and the more I thought about it, the more I screamed into my hands. I don’t know how long I rocked back and forth on the bathroom floor. Eventually I stood up, looked in the mirror, and I saw her. She stared back at me with mascara running like rivers down her face with her eyes swollen and hands shaking. This is the real “golden girl,” a miserable woman that life had shattered into a million pieces. The worst part about all of this was I was going to call Jay that morning and tell him that I wanted to see him. I’m not really sure what I was going to do when I saw him, but I knew I needed to talk to him in person, but I would never get that chance. I couldn’t go to his funeral and stare at the grave I put him in. After I cleaned myself up, I went to Tom and asked if we could leave. He didn’t pretend not to be delighted by my request and he quickly agreed. Just like that, we were gone without a trace, the house empty. I just wanted to forget everything that had happened, and most of all I wanted to forget Jay. Every time I thought of him it was like my heart was breaking all over again. He fell in love with the golden girl and loving me, killed him.

Why I married Tom

After Jay went off to war, I stayed behind and waited for him to return to me. I would have waited forever had it not been my mother pushing me to meet this wealthy, aristocrat named Tom Buchanan. Even though I wasn’t ready to let Jay go, I started dating Tom. Tom was a very handsome, successful man and before I knew it, I was falling in love with him. When I was with him, I forgot about Jay and how much I missed him. After we got engaged, I still thought about Jay. Part of me wished he would come home and we could be together again, but I couldn’t allow myself to think about him anymore. I made the decision to finally let him go. On the day of my wedding to Tom, I received a letter from Jay asking me to wait for him to make something of himself, a man worthy of my love. And just like that, the love I felt for Jay came rushing back and I wanted to be with him. I ripped the pearls that Tom had bought me right off my neck and cried that somebody needed to stop the wedding. All this time I was fooling myself because even though I loved Tom, I loved Jay even more. No one would listen to me and the wedding went on as planned. That day I became Mrs. Daisy Buchanan. I married Tom because I was selfish. I couldn’t wait for Jay to become someone worthy of my love because I wasn’t worthy enough to love him. I took the easy way out and entered a marriage I no longer wanted.

What I was feeling when I cried over Jay's shirts

Five lost years struggled on my lips as I sat surrounded by Jay’s shirts. I felt completely overwhelmed by the emotions I had been suppressing for the past five years. I was angry that Jay went off to war and didn’t stay with me. I felt trapped because I was stuck in a marriage I never really wanted. I was heartbroken because I wasn’t strong enough and didn’t wait for Jay to return home. Yet Jay looked at me and said, “what is it Daisy?” I just sat there grasping the shirts, tears pooling in my eyes and I whispered, “It makes me sad.” Jay held my face between his hands and asked, “Why?” Why? Why did I feel like my heart was being ripped out all over again? Why did I marry Tom that day after I read Jay’s letter, asking me to wait for him? That letter nearly stopped my wedding but it just wasn’t enough. All I could say was, “Because, I’ve never seen such beautiful shirts before.” I know I can’t keep putting off this conversation but I’m weak, I always have been. I’ve let other people dictate my life and make me into something I never wanted to be: A Golden Girl. I’ve always wanted to be so much more than this. The shirts were still in my hands, silent tears slipping down my face with the feeling of shame for not being honest with Jay. He held me in his arms like he did so long ago and he, too, tried to push aside the real reason I cried over his shirts.

What I was thinking when Jay and I reunited after five long years

There he was staring at me from across the room, soaking wet from the rain. Even though five years had passed us by, it was as if I was meeting Jay for the first time all over again. I couldn’t help but think about how we first met. We met for the first time in Louisville, where he was stationed at Camp Taylor. I knew that he was going to war very soon, but we made the most of the one month we had together. Even though our time together was brief, I remember thinking five years earlier that I would wait for him because I loved him and he loved me. But Jay never came back for me, and I forced myself to move on. On the day of my wedding to Tom, I received a letter from Jay, and as I read the words in the letter I began crying and screaming telling anyone to call off the wedding with Tom, but no one would listen to me. My mother forced me to clean myself up and I went down the aisle with Jay’s words still weighing on my mind. When I was saying my vows, it was as if I left my own body and was watching myself make one of the biggest mistake of my life. At this very moment, my heart was pounding in my ears and it was as if time froze. Both of us were unsure of what to do, so we just stared. Eventually, the only words I could utter were, “I’m certainly glad to see you again,” and Jay replied, “I’m certainly glad to see you as well.” Both of us were unable to speak the words neither of us could say. For the first few moments, we were embarrassed and awkward around each other, not really sure how to act or what to say. Jay ended up running outside with Nick, and the moment they were gone, I kept thinking, “After all this time, he’s really here…” Soon Jay returned without my cousin. I thought, “I suppose Nicky finally talked some sense into Jay.” He was acting like the Jay I remembered and we picked up where we left off. We got so wrapped up in our conversation we didn’t even realize when Nicky had returned. Neither of us were ready to talk about what had happened in the five years since we parted way. I suppose that was a conversation we would just put on hold for now.

What I was feeling after I learned about Tom's new mistress

When I first met Tom, I was swept away. He distracted me from the yearning in my heart that I still felt for Jay. I knew I had to move on with my life, even though I wasn’t quite ready to let Jay go. Over time, Tom finally won my heart and I did love him, but like most good things it didn’t last. For the first couple years, Tom and I were happy together but after I gave birth to our daughter things began to change. Tom began spending less time with me, taking more business trips, and making frequent phone calls. I guess for a while I tried to ignore what I knew was going on behind my back. But after coming to terms with Tom’s affairs, I felt broken, abandoned, and worthless. What did I do that made Tom run off with another woman? Was I not good enough for him? Had Tom ever really loved me? I hate Tom for what he is doing, I hate his mistress, but most of all I feel hatred for myself. I hate myself for continuing to play the role of a loving wife, the “golden girl.” Every time the phone rings, I put on a smile and pretend that I don’t know who is on the other line. The part of me that once felt love for Tom was gone. The only thing I felt now when I looked at him was complete emptiness. In those moments where I feel the depression taking a grasp over me, I like to remember the time Jay and I had together. He saw the real me, and loved me not for my money, but for me. If only he was here now and he could hold me in his arms like he did a lifetime ago…

What I was thinking when I told Nick about the birth of my daughter

I couldn’t take the shriek shrill of the phone ringing anymore, so I had asked Nick to head outside for an evening stroll. When I was walking with my dearest cousin, I recalled the birth of my daughter, Pammy. I remember on that day that Tom had gone off to God only knows where. I felt abandoned and I had asked the nurse if it was a boy or a girl. When the nurse told me it was a girl I wept and thought to myself, “I’m glad it’s a girl. And I hope she’ll be a fool – that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.” I wish I was foolish and naïve, unknowing of the act I would have to put on my entire life. My husband was cheating on me with another woman, yet we continued to play house and tip toe around the harsh truth. I knew I couldn’t be the one to confront him, so I continued to play my role in this never ending play that I called my life. As Nick and I continued to talk to each other, my mind couldn’t help but think about the life my daughter would have. Would she end up like me, a “Golden Girl?” Part of me wants so much more for her. But the other part of me wants her to stay foolish and not end up having the same fate as me… Yet I continued to walk with my cousin and head back to the house where Tom and I would act like things are fine, when we both know they aren’t.