Why I didn't attend Jay's funeral

Jay was gone… The man that I had lost and just found again was dead because of me. I was the one who should have been shot dead by the mistress’s husband, not Jay. I was frantic and shaken by what had happened in the hotel and wasn’t thinking straight. It was over before I even had a chance to stop myself from hitting Myrtle with the car. I started a chain of events that would lead to Jay’s death and I had the blood of three people on my hands. I felt completely broken. After I heard about Jay’s death, I ran into the bathroom, sunk down to the bathroom floor, and began sobbing. I was flooded by the memories of us together and the more I thought about it, the more I screamed into my hands. I don’t know how long I rocked back and forth on the bathroom floor. Eventually I stood up, looked in the mirror, and I saw her. She stared back at me with mascara running like rivers down her face with her eyes swollen and hands shaking. This is the real “golden girl,” a miserable woman that life had shattered into a million pieces. The worst part about all of this was I was going to call Jay that morning and tell him that I wanted to see him. I’m not really sure what I was going to do when I saw him, but I knew I needed to talk to him in person, but I would never get that chance. I couldn’t go to his funeral and stare at the grave I put him in. After I cleaned myself up, I went to Tom and asked if we could leave. He didn’t pretend not to be delighted by my request and he quickly agreed. Just like that, we were gone without a trace, the house empty. I just wanted to forget everything that had happened, and most of all I wanted to forget Jay. Every time I thought of him it was like my heart was breaking all over again. He fell in love with the golden girl and loving me, killed him.